Tough love and second laps 🖤

I’ve always wanted to write about heartbreaks . Always . Always in the sense from when I began to understand that writing is where my heart lies and not in playing the piano or strumming the guitar .

But the awful thing about writing about heartbreak is that it’s impossible to go on about it without acknowledging your own . And how could I share something so deeply personal in a blog where I’ve been strictly discreet given the readership .

So I was one of those people who used to go around promoting the notion of there’s a certain Grace in having your heartbroken curated by this generation’s favorite feminist and funny woman Lena Dunham .

Now to be sure that’s something someone cured of a heartbreak would say after analysing the whole experience , having obviously said it myself until quite recently I realise now that I propagated that idea because I was healed and was completely out of it but now that am back in that zone again I call bullshit .

Heartbreak as an experience for an outside viewer to see might be graceful , oh how the girl picks herself up and decides to leave , oh the grieving period , oh the am too sassy for crying in a sofa in my PJs period and the oh I can survive period but that’s just a third person persepective .

By running that course a second time I can guarantee to you all that it’s bullshit , pure bullshit and you feel like even purer bullshit while going through this jackshit emotion .

See first time around you’re like omg what is happening what is all this surge of emotion am feeling all of a sudden , is this normal , do people actually feel so many emotions at once , how was I such a fool to trust him , was I not enough am I not enough questions which takes you another lap along the insecurity circuit .

The second time around and trust me this only happens if you are as naive as me when it comes to that one person you go in thinking it’s gonna be different this time . But sooner than later you understand that this boy has you running around in circles when you know exactly what you want . What is the point in taking aimless laps in hopes to find something worth your while when you already know exactly what you want . So you try and try and try and try because you’ve lived life till now believing that if you want something you go get it .

But it is when you are chasing that you understand that it’s not a thing , it’s a person , a whole compete person just like you with all the emotions and needs intact just like you . And this person might want something else . And so as we studied in economics ,kids, the currency of love in order for it to actually be something is still barter system it hasn’t moved onto modern financial systems yet and so if there ain’t no double coincidence of wants then it’s better that you get moving .

Even if it’s the hardest fucking thing you have to do , even if like me you are a follow your heart / wear your heart on the end of your sleeve kinda girl , sometimes you have to choose intelligence over emotions and know when it’s time to let go .

Because no matter how hard you try you can’t force love or wanting to be with someone and if you guilt trip and force them into stuff then is that actually what love is .

So now instead of having a grieving period that is due for my second lap around this big beautiful ocean called heartbreak I am catapulted into my dream city which is also called the greatest city in the world for a week and how can I sit around and whine about a boy when I get a chance like this .

So am saving it and letting go because honestly one thing I’ve learned from the start of this year alone is how true that over used Paulo coelho quote that everybody who has been guilt tripped into reading the alchemist knows, that if you really really really want something and if you actually do deserve it and is meant to be then the whole universe conspires in helping you achieve it / make it happen for you .

And trust me if this small town girl who dared dream about going to New York one day could end up actually going there before she becomes an adult and all on her own merit then anything can happen .

So my dear boys and girls to sum up this drawn out article on heartbreak and my love for New York City is that it’s going to be okay , whatever decision you made or was forced to make, follow through with it and anytime you feel like falling back just remind yourself why you chose to walk away in the first place .

Love is hard that’s why most people strictly do flings and I totally understand , but us hopeless romantics of course believe in the impossible and end up in the gutters feeling gutted but that’s okay because at least we tried , atleast we put ourselves out there and admitted to our feelings and emotions and if that’s not EQ right there I don’t know what is even if you lack a little of that IQ .

Just like Bebe rexha and Georgia line keep singing if it’s meant to be it will be otherwise, it wasn’t .

Which obviously means that bigger things are coming to screw you even harder . 😗