Scares & ‘mares 👁‍🗨

As a kid I was terrified of the dark , I couldn’t move between rooms at night because the darkness I had to dispell before drowning the room with light was too much for me to bear even for a few seconds . 

But as I grew older my fear of darkness transitioned into a fear of love . 

 this is not because of some forlorn childhood and not being loved enough by family in fact I had the most amazing childhood and being an only child and the youngest of a whole bandwagon of first cousins , the one shortage I never experienced in my family was love . 

Its not familial love that I was afraid of but romantic love . I am a big time romantic , I love love , I love the idea of love and I wear my heart on my sleeve because I don’t think there’s any other way I can experience raw emotions other than experimenting with the fragility of my heart . 

But when it comes to falling in love , I am afraid , I advocate the theory of taking a leap of faith in everything but falling in love . Because the faith that has to be there for the leap to be taken , vanquished long ago . 

I have seen people who’ve told me they love their significant others and then cheat on them , hell I’ve been with them . I’ve seen the most amiable of relationships turning into a nasty affair where the once can’t keep each other’s hands off couple cant even look eye to eye . Most of all its the temporal nature of love that haunts me that one day a person can mean so much to you and one mistake can wipe them entirely out of your lives . 

So you see why I am afraid , its because I’ve seen it . My idea of love is placed in this secular , bullet proof glass but with each passing year a new bullet gets stuck trying to get through it and the glass is almost about to break . 

When you meet people and ideas that have the ability to break your entire belief system then the perils of the dark seem a less scary reality

Because in the darkness of, the night you don’t see the faces coming at you , but in the  light of love , people who we come in contact can never be fully forgotten . 

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MONKS & HEPBURN 🐯

Rather an odd and unlikely combination . don’t you think ?

and yet one of them drove me away from people and the other brought me back.

To care less is the easiest way to happiness

while having the thought of cutting myself out from social media was rampant in my mind the popping up of the above quote , when i opened my pinterest (i swear , its like my social media platforms can read my mind now …. we’re telepathic .. WE’RE JUST THAT CLOSE KAY ? )  just added to fuel to fire and then it was decided .

  • PLANS AND GOALS WERE SET UP  (economics terminal influence)

steps included

  1. making up of my infamous indecisive mind 
  2. uninstalling all of my applications of sinful self indulgence 
  3. cursing lenovo and its tie up with facebook , for making it a system app which led to the incapability of it being non existent in my phone like its brethren snapchat and instagram. 
  4. sticking to the decision ……. which lasted 2 days 
  5. using import substitution as basis and replacing the social networking apps with SAT prep apps.

by means of the following what i wanted to accomplish was simple

A) to care less about people and to practise staying away from the humans i love

B) to use all of the time aimlessly scrolling through different feeds into good use

but all jokes and pointless steps, taken apart .

what i wanted was simple .

it’s what most people wanted and aspired to be .

the most purest and yet most in demand emotion in the world today .

my goal was to be happy and i thought cutting myself off from people was the easiest way to do this .

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO TELL YOU HOW WRONG I WAS …………….

FIRST OF ALL,  IF YOU’VE MET ME EVEN ONCE, YOU’LL KNOW AM NOT EXACTLY THE KIND OF PERSON WHO CAN STAY OFF PEOPLE .

STRAIGHT UP ,THOUGH.

I CANT EVEN BE SOMBRE EVEN IF I TRY . I AM THE IN YOUR FACE KINDA CRAY PEOPLE YOU MEET , THE ANNOYINGLY ANNOYING OPTIMIST WHO FORCES OPTIMISM DOWN YOUR THROAT EVEN IF YOU’RE GAGGING .

SO TRYING TO BE MELLOW AND MELANCHOLY, AND KEEPING TO MYSELF IS A VERY DIFFICULT TASK I HAD TO UNDERTAKE. ( FTW SELF CONTROL , WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN )

SO, THAT SPIRIT OF LYING LOW AND TALKING SLOW lasted for about 12 hrs tops .

but then ,i was still persistent in accomplishing the break from the internet. partly because of the jeering i knew would come my way thanks to my “supportive” friends and the bits of emotional goodbyes i had texted each one of them .

so me jumbling back into the scene ,will only lead the way into more jokes and countless burns //not good at comebacks , please helps ?????//

now that, i did not have any social platform to scroll through ,  I thought hey , more time to ace SATs and actually try winning at life and all those other things that matter other than envying kylie Jenner’s lifestyle.

MORE INSTANCES OF BEING WRONG    

YOU KNOW , THAT NOTORIOUS QUOTE WHICH ALL OF OUR BESTIES USE EVERY TIME, WE BAIL ON THEM, GOING LIKE  :’IF YOU HAD ACTUALLY WANTED TO, THEN YOU WOULD HAVE MADE TIME FOR IT ‘ WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF POUTING . 😗

YEAH ,NO SHIT .

If, I did actually care about doing all the things that i wanted to do at the time of pining over kylie kosmectics  . then I sure as hell would have , and not made up excuses .

But, the thing was however much i argued otherwise , I simply did not care enough to put technology away and immerse in other things instead /

and when that truck hit, i was half dead and then came the next truck of realisation .

This truck was filled with the thought that
is cutting off from people in order to care less in the disguise of wanting to be a monk ( NOW I GET WHY PEOPLE DIDN’T BUY THAT EXCUSE) actually healthy ?

Or was it me running away to myself , into my own self haven to avoid facing the drama ?

what was my problem ?

caring too much ?

In a generation were as cold as you are to people and their feelings is considered cool , and the norms of popularity and social and emotional hierarchy  are based on the principals of negligence and being oblivious to the impact your words and actions make on people .

was it so bad to care ?

FIRST TRUCK > HALF DEAD > SECOND TRUCK > OUT COLD

And after being roadkill and not awakening in Seattle grace hospital to neither Dr.McDreamy or Dr.McSteamy

NO, I DECIDED FOR MYSELF

the first actual decision i made in along period of time without thinking twice ..

with a LITTLE (read : LOTTLE ) help from beyond the grave .

with the motivation harnessed from a dead diva , nobody less fantabulus than AUDREY HEPBURN  , through her quotes acquired from pinterest , the same platform which lead to the inducing of the break .

I WAS BACKKKK . BEFORE YOU EVEN NOTICED 👼

Back to stay .
Because in my very enlightening  ( IT WAS , OKAY ? 😌 ) 2 day breakaway , caring too much  , it dawned on me , doesn’t make me an uncool unsociable freak i thought i was .

in fact in some ways it made me more human .

and as for happiness ?

we prefer taking the high road in all walks of life , to be a cut above the rest .

Take the high road when it comes to reaching the zenith of this emotion too . The highroad has the best views, i hear and  it is the most rewarding .

Lemme take a minute to put on my life coach coat .

Be your own waterfall of happiness .
It doesn’t and shouldn’t be resting on other people.

The power to be happy despite it all

dear readers ( CHEESYYYYY)

LIES WITHIN YOU 🙊

and like my WCW once said AUDREY

This applies to you guys too 🙉

Trust me we don’t give a rat’s ass about that ‘tude your carrying around .

SMILE BRO SMILE . 💁